Managing Relationships
Based on a speech which I heard recently, I am trying to put those most important words here in this blog as I myself have experienced it as a wake-up call to live for the most important component in our life -the family and our relationship with its members. Imagine a life with all the money in the world but not a person to love or to be loved by ? The most joyful/wanted thing in our life is our loved ones, our relationship, our family. We claim that all the money is made for the family, but if the family itself is not happy, what is the use of all that money you have made?
One of the most important management technique that we have to learn is how to manage love, how to manage our relationship, our family. Love is the queen of all emotion; of all noble positive relations, love is the mother of them all. If love is there all positive emotions are there.We are told that we are guided by our intellect and we live by our knowledge, but the fact is that we are guided by our emotions.
With all the education that we are giving to our children we are only developing their intellect and not their emotion. Emotion adorns a person. They are the jewels of a person.Coming back to educating our children which develops intellect, it should be understood that intellect which is not enriched with emotion / sentiments becomes crazy. This split personality is what that causes todays depression,dejection,drug addiction, divorce, suicide etc. In all these cases, they cannot integrate their intellect with emotion.
We develop the IQ (Intellectual Quotient) of our children which can fetch them a degree or a job. But what keeps them in their job is their EQ (Emotional Quotient).Very few companies like Ford have recognised that there is one more quotient called SQ. SQ is Spiritual Quotient. Our Indian Rishis recognised this very well.They said that your intellect and knowledge must be there but your emotions also should be well developed and the two together must seek the height of Spirituality. Swami Chinmayananda had said that your logical and rational intellect and the emotional mind are like the two wings of a bird. Both must be equally spread out. If one is not developed and the if bird tries to flap its wings it will move, but only in circles. Only when both the wings are equally spread out, your intellect and your mind, then there is a flight in meditation to reach the height of spirituality. Without love even GOD realisation is not possible. Without BHAKTHI there is no way with all your knowledge , that you can reach SELF REalisation or GOD Realisation. Therefore this development of emotion is a very important aspect of our life.
Unless and until our relationship with people and family are good and harmoniuous, what can we even talk about Bhakthi or God love.? People go to Temples, Churches, Gurudwara etc to pray and give their offerings in Gold , Silver etc; but in their own families- all relationships the brother-in-law, mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, brothers, father-in-law etc lead such a bickering life uttering only rude and harsh words to each other. Then what is the point in purpose of worship of God or how can you think about God realisation? This is not devotion.
Our topic is about understanding LOVE and how we manage it in our different relationships. What is Love? What is the expression of Love? The expression of love is always sacrifice and service. The measure of love is how much are we ready to sacrifice; that much is the measure of love. When we are ready to serve, then there is love. When we are ready to give there is love.The economics of love is there is great demand for love but no supply.People keep waiting for love. But for a change why dont you be the rare person who start giving love first. Now the economics of demand and supply. You are the only shop/outlet giving love that too free of cost. Who will not come to you? The biggest mistake is that people feel that joy of love is only being loved . But they dont realise that giving loving will give a much greater joy. The first mistake that people do is that they wait to be loved. But the thing is one should start giving love even if other person doesnt give love, the joy of giving love enriches ones own heart. Secret of love is Start giving love. Love breeds love.
Parent – Children love
Parent – Children love sometimes become suffocating. Parent- children love becomes selfish now adays. There is so much desire or expectations today. We always hear, if you give so much of love to your children what will they become ? In a family there is Ravana and also Vibhishana. That is not the fault of the parent. Most of you here are already parent, grandparents or a parent to be. Most of your joy today is seeing the happiness of your children. Is it not? In the growing age of children, parents neglect their children by keep themselves so busy that they drop their children at a nearby day care center and rush for job for the sake of money . How to manage Children ? What is the Art of Parenting ? Simple formula for bringing up your children. Ancient Rishis have told this.
The first 5 years of the child, give all affection and love, care, attention,and time to your child. In these days where both parents have to work to make a living, children are put in a day care centre during these prime years. Children dont get love and affection in a day care center and therefore when they grow up, they become very insecure in love. This is the period where the child must feel the security of the mother’s embrace/affection. This is not the age to beat or scold the children though this is the age when they are very mischievous. Recognise the difference between misbehaviour and mischievousness. Today parents allow their children to misbehave. But when they are slightly mischievous at home, they beat them up. Mischievousness of the child is the dynamism and energy of the child.Krishna whom we worship in this country was the most mischievous child ever seen. Dont curb the dynamism and energy of the child. Today’s childrens’ vocabulory is mostly negative saying NO NO NO almost every time . This is the only thing that they hear from their parent. Dont touch this, Dont do that, It is not like that etc.. Let them play, adventure and develop their strength.
With affection only teach them what is wrong and how to correct. Small scoldings will be more than enough. This is called the mother period by the modern day psychologists. Mother has to spent a lot of time with the kid. The child also clings to the mother every now and then. If you ask him whom do you love most ? – the child answers Amma.
The next 10 years is the education period of child. “Dashavarshaani Thaadaye”. It doesnt mean that the next ten years the child has to be beaten up. The women community has misunderstood the phrase. Thaadana means to educate. No education is possible without a certain amount of discipline. Thats the age when you teach values, discipline and educate the children. It is not beating up the child. Never ever raise your hand to beat your child. Such must be your authority that a mere look by you should make the child behave himself. It is your failure when you raise your hand on your child. This is the father period of the child. Father has to teach by example. If the father smokes, the child also imitates smoking by folding a paper in his hand. If the father plays cricket with them, sits and help to do a little bit of homework for them, it will create a great reverence for the father. Father is an idol for them at this point of time. He is a role model.
After they are 15 years old, treat them as your friends. In the present day, parents lecture them and children revolt against the parents. Do not lecture – Discuss things with them. The child often says her/his friend’s mother is so good. Why dont you become like her? This is the age when you must find a mentor for your child. It could be an uncle, aunt, a saintly person, a Guru, a teacher who can guide them in their life. A friendship should be created with them. When there is a problem with a child or if they are making some mistake, they will share all their fear with their mentor. But, why not with a parent. Because, parents due to their over attachment to their children will think about only the negative or worse things that can happen to their child. The greatest problem in any relationship be it husband/wife or parent/children is that they have stopped listening. When the children come and ask you about something about which they are doing , first listen to them. Dont shout at them telling NoNo No.., you are not going there, you are not going out for that party or club etc etc… The fact that they have told you shows that they are trying to get some help from you. But if you panic, better get them someone wiser,who guides them, cares for them and who looks after them. This is the best period in life where the grand parents come to help. Most daughters-in-law do not understand the importance of having a grand mother in the house. When your children become teenagers, the rapport that they have with their grand parents, they will never have with their parents. Its a magical relationship. The parents too should be confident about the values that they have imparted to their kid in those early ten years and leave them to adventure and live their own life. If you taught them well, there is nothing to be afraid. Have the confidence that your child will never do anything wrong and that is what you have taught him in his prime age. Teenagers are no longer your babies. Give them freedom, guide them. They are growing up to be men and women. This is what is parenting about.
Now what is the relationship that the children should have with a parent ? They are your best well wishers. They may not be perfect. Our Rishis have told Mathru Devo Bhava, Pirthru Devo Bhava, the third place goes to your Guru. See your mother and father as God. But the mother and father should represent God to the children. Doesnt that make sense ? The secret is respect your mother/father or mother-in-law/father-in-law. So this generation will respect you. You cant demand respect from them. Elders should also realise that they should not be a burden to their children. They should demand the minimum, complain the mimimum and realise that their kids have the next generation to look after. Such elderly people are welcome in the house. Both ways it has to work. You do your duties well, the next generation hopefully do their duties well. It is so sympathetic that after taking care of their children so well, helping their children to settle in life and doing whatever they can for the good of their child, parents in their old age, when they are not in a position to look after themseves are abandoned in old age homes. This is the time when Krishna comes with a whip in hand reminding you that you have not done your duty. Here the parent should also understand that giving all the education to their kids, it was their duty. Sending him to U.K. for higher studies, that is also a duty of a parent. You have bought him books written by Barbera Cartland, Mills and Boons etc. But did you teach him Ramayan where the son sacrifices the kingdom for his father’s words. Is it not your duty to teach your kids about their duties? If you have not given them the education of values , what can you expect from them ? Do your duties with love.
Shall come back shortly with the Husband / Wife Relationship. Let us see what the speaker has to say about this particular relationship.
ANURADHA MAHESH 